There’s no easy way to say this so I should just go straight to it. I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and high anxiety by my psychiatrist. Last week I almost committed suicide and it was about the worst week by far in my 23 years of existence. I felt heavy. I always loved being by myself but for the very first time I’m afraid to be alone. I’m afraid that I might do something that would cost me my life. You know that feeling when your conscience or whatever the fuck it is talking to you, commanding you to do things you don’t want to… That’s a heavy feeling and that’s what I felt last week. It was a push and pull of my thoughts and I didn’t know which one to follow. My mother caught me in the bathroom with a pair of heavy fabric scissors in my hand and I had a meltdown. I didn’t know my condition was that severe already. The gravity of the matter led me to hospital confinement as advised by my psychiatrist when I went for consultation to which at that time she was able to diagnose my current condition.
I didn’t realize until last weeks’ scenario hit me. I believe that there really is something wrong because I love being by myself too much that I would just stay in my room the whole entire day, most of the time sleep, and do absolutely nothing after taking a shower. It was mundane, and above all I felt tired and lifeless. Last week I felt like all the buried feelings tried to resurface during that one big moment that I just couldn’t stand it. I knew they were a bunch of mixed feelings between anger and sadness. Towards what or to who, that I don’t know. I got so used to keeping everything in and bottling everything that I took for granted my limits. I forgot the fact that I was human, that I have limits and that there is just only so much that I could take.
As of the moment I don’t know what to feel. I’m grateful for everyones’ concern but in general I don’t know what to feel. I, as much as possible don’t want to be confined because I have work to finish and certain duties to fulfill. Perhaps this is some sort of a wake up call. Apparently I haven’t been mentally and emotionally okay for a very long time and it’s affecting me physically.
I thought I was going for a regular checkup. I expected that by the end of the session, the doctor would just recommend me to take home some meds. Instead, I was made to answer some questions which made me severely nervous, and you guys have no idea how my doctor emphasized on answering those questions truthfully. After scoring, she recommended that I be admitted in the hospital for observation or rather a medical workup is what they call it. They needed to check if the medicine I would be taking will be okay for me. I’m to be confined with an indefinite date of release. Today is my second day and I don’t know how I’m able to go through this. Being in the hospital is kind of depressing on its own already. All I could do is think about the time I’ll be discharged, that way I don’t feel so down.
I think I’ll take this time to greatly apologize to some of my friends who I think I’ve taken for granted because of my condition. I’m sorry for causing you to worry and for causing some sort of panic. I think I’ve lost some friends along the way too because of my depression. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to stay with me either. I mean who would right? I’m very sorry for what I’ve done. Trust that I value our friendship more than anything else. I don’t know why I’m like this but I do know I want to get better. I won’t lie, loosing you guys added more stress to my already not so good condition but I guess that’s just how life works right?
To my friends who have stayed by my side and have been continually seeing my best/worst, thank you. You are my pillars. Thank you for continuously encouraging me and for continuously making sure I’m in a good mood. I value your care, comfort and support. Thank you for bearing with me, and for always making sure that you guys are there. Your support greatly helps in my current condition and I kid you not depression is not just a mere “really sad” feeling. It’s composed of a lot of negative feelings bottled up. Thank you to all my friends who I’m still able to talk to. Thanks for alleviating the feeling. You guys have done so much and I really am so grateful to have you all by my side.
Taking care of ones’ mental health is just as important as ones’ physical health. I believe we should all be made aware of it. I think perhaps a lot of people take it for granted thinking that depression is just a case of someone being sad or “really sad”. It’s actually a lot more than that. I find it quite painful to elaborate on it but what I’m going through now made me realize that I should be more wary of others. Depression I believe, is cured by encouragement. Having someone behind you cheer and root for you to go and live a happy life is important. It is in these times that one who has depression need to feel love and appreciated. It is in these times that you shouldn’t rain on your friends’ parade or criticize them for having depression or making them feel or question why they have it in the first place. Everyone is undergoing some sort of battle in their respective lives, therefore always always choose kindness, compassion and love.
I finally know why I couldn’t blog/write continuously or do all the things I love to do, actively and creatively. It was because of this depression. Apparently I’ve lost a lot of will to do most of the things I love because of it and it only took me now to realize this. My physician told me to go back to writing and that is exactly what I’ll do. As for what caused my depression, I still don’t know myself. I’m still finding out what triggered this. I’m getting all the help I need so I should be in good hands.
On top of being diagnosed with depression and getting myself admitted in the hospital, the Supreme Court of my country decided to approve the burial of a certain ex President/Dictator/Monster/Spawn of Satan/Devil in our Heroes Cemetery. Shortly after that, news came that Donald Trump just won the elections and is now the President-Elect of the United States of America. It may seem that I’m not the only one in need of psychiatric help, apparently the rest of the world does.
I have no idea as to why these events take place, but I guess one could only hope for the best. It is in these dark times we should look for the light. It is in this moment that hope, compassion and love must shine.
Photos from unsplash.com
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